lips of an angel

I don’t what it will take to bring a smile back on my face. I know that I will never look at many things in the same way or light again. I only know that now my daily sleep is disrupted by palpitation or immense flow of thoughts that will suffocate me and cause me to have anxiety attack. I know I will be a different person after this…

As I continue to spiral, I don’t know how much deeper I need to fall before I hit rock bottom and perhaps then I will get to my senses. I am shutting out my friends…friends who felt helpless looking at me wasting away. Friends who were there for a mere while and then they continued with their lives as I continue to wander and drift aimlessly in my own world of ghastly and morbid thoughts.

I continue to miss out on our gatherings…I continue to be oblivious to what has been going on their lives. I am unable to relate to them anymore. I have nothing to share with them; I am just a skeleton of my former self. I don’t recognize myself anymore when I look in the mirror these days.

I feel like a dysfunctional person. Unable to eat, sleep or work. I sometimes feel angry that everyone is trouble free and have nice things to look forward or good things to laugh about, but what about ME? why am i different? just what f*cking sh*t did i do wrong to end up this way?

But deep down, I know everyone have her own problems, it’s just a choice whether to cry or laugh about it.

I am angry and frustrated at everything and everyone. I am angry that I continue to wake up each day and was not taken away in my sleep. I am frustrated that today is always worse than yesterday. So much so, sometimes I stay awake overnight in the hope that if I don’t sleep, then I won’t need to wake up feeling worse than yesterday. But it’s of no use, I soon found out whether I sleep or not, eat or not, work or not, the feeling within will only continue to worsen.

I have developed this (ir)rational thought that perhaps if I don’t sleep, then things will remain status quo. I think I am still in a deep shock, it seemed surreal to be weeping here as I was supposed to be in Melbourne by now. I could no longer reconcile my living present and past. I am delirious.

I remember looking forward to this point in time many months ago. And yet when I finally reached this point in time, the feeling was totally different. It is bleak and dark…filled with sadness and sorrow. It was nothing like what I had imagined it to be. I continue to ask, what reality is this? My own doings? Or some cruel joke of my life?

Some days I seemed so fine that it didn’t cross my mind that a truck just hit me. Other days I continue to spiral and fall without knowing when all these will stop. The pain on my chest cause buckets of tears to flow, the pain was so immense that I don’t even begin to know how to describe it.

Could there be no other ways to erase the memories and let go without having to go through all these pain? It pains me so much that I don’t even want to continue living in such hell. Will seeking professional help change or make things better?

I feel so alone…so empty and hollow. I am so afraid to move on and leave everything behind. It’s funny…I don’t want to be in this state, yet I am afraid to leave this current state.