Selective reaction
I was waiting for the train today and it came as no surprise that the train station was packed with people. All of us were queuing and waiting with one purpose: to get pass the ticket gate and make our way to the platform. It had poured cows and elephants hours ago, naturally when it rains, everything will turn into havoc in our motherland.
As a lame form of way to manage the crowd from bursting to the brim at the platform, the train station management have to deactivate the ticket gates. Did we intentionally downgrade our infrastructure because of poor planning or lack of foresight of the nation’s transportation upgrade needs?
So there I was with a friend, confused by the multiple lines formed which eventually lead to one ticket gate. Clearly, we were uniformly disorganized. Illegal lines started to snake and branch out from the empty spaces available from the existing multiple lines. My friend and I chatted for a little more before the crowd started to make a mad dash when the ticket gate eventually started functioning again.
From where I was standing, I had somehow joined another line parallel from my friend. However, both our lines will eventually merge at the ticket gate. There was a lady behind my friend, who to my impression, was not too happy that I will soon cut her queue. Don’t ask me why, but from the corner of my eyes, I could feel that she was staring at me. Actually I doubt that she felt one kind about me. It’s just that I felt self conscious because I eventually I would need to get past her or be pushed out of the line, so my little mind started to conjure bad images of her. Talk about picking on other people to appease my guilt…sheesh.
As I had wanted to continue to stay close with my friend so that we can continue to chat, it became apparent to me that I have to get ahead of the lady behind my friend so that I can be behind my friend instead. While I was talking to my friend, I flashed my Touch N Go card. Suddenly the lady behind us pointed to the ticket gates on the left and told me I could use my Touch N Go card there. The ticket gates were visibly empty as there were hardly anyone tapping their Touch N Go card the other side.
However, more often than not, I have met countless rude people…hence when I first heard her speak, my initial reaction was a defensive one. I didn’t even finish listening to what she was saying or make sense of it just yet. But because of my guilt of having to cut her queue just to stay close to my friend, I had perceived her to be upset of me there at the train station. So when she spoke, all I could think of what this woman surely has something nasty to tell me. Alas, it turned out that I was wrong! So sorely wrong! She’s in fact a little angel sent from heaven, a good Samaritan!
Thanks to her advise and sharp observation, and when I finally got over my defensive mode after a few seconds, I beckoned my friend to move over to the other side of the station where the tickets gates were still not crashed by unknowing passengers. In the haste of the moment, I was not sure if I had thanked her. And oh golly, I hoped I didn’t roll my eyes at her, the oh-so-annoying habit of mine. Perhaps my head was still in my cloud of arrogance so I didn’t come to my senses quick enough to express my gratitude instead of self inflicted resentment. Such is the power of our mind and my little mind.
When we reached the platform, I revisited the whole incident with my friend and told her of the experience that we had just gone through. On hindsight, I should not have been so arrogant and haughty when she spoke to us…but I was reminded by previous poor experiences with strangers in public places and on top of my self guilt, it had made the whole situation worse.
I noticed that when people tell me something, often, my first reaction would be to turn defensive. I know it’s ridiculous, just like today’s experience. Instead of mindful listening, I had allowed myself to program a defensive reaction and selective listening. Upon reflecting with my friend at the train platform, I realized that yet again, I had been too late in arresting a bad behaviour with potential negative consequences before it happened. Time after time, I only reflect on my poor behaviour during post incident and not pre incident, hence I often failed to take the bull in me by its horn before charging. I lament that reactive actions only worsen a situation and that we should take proactive initiatives. Again, I am a walking contradiction who has failed to walk her talk yet again.
I’ve learned that there is little to point to reflect upon myself when the mirror is cracked. All I would see are a thousand and one images of my sorry self. Why didn’t I take a good look at my reflection when the mirror was in a good condition…
I have this fear that I am turning into a bitch that I abhor. Maybe this is the Law of Attraction. Oh gosh, grow up Jen, you have to!
