lips of an angel

Year after year, you’ll continue to receive wedding cards and invitations. If you bothered, you’ll put in some effort to find something nice to wear and dress up for the occasion. But if you’re a big time slacker and procrastinator like me who would rather surf online aimlessly than to drag my derriere out to the boutiques and shopping malls to spend some money to get a dress, then most likely you’ll agree with me on the 3R principle - Reduce, Reuse, Recycle.

It might come to a certain point when you’re getting ready and dressing up for the couple’s big day that you might just drop everything and sink your bottom onto the bed, pondering when is your turn to get married. Life has its set of harsh realities sometimes. Not everyone will grow up being attached, not everyone will eventually get married, lest meet the man or woman of ideal. 

Honestly, I find the loneliness of being a single disturbing at times. There were days when I gasped and joked that I would eventually be found dead in my old age by my pet dog, which will probably be feeding on my dead body due to days of starvation once the old lady passed on. The lame joke was funny then and on some days, but today it wasn’t. 

A relationship is like forbidden fruit. Our mind conjure fair tale endings and we all crossed our fingers that we will live happily ever after. Is paradise this close to earth? 

I continue to receive my bouquet of roses and lilies on Valentine’s Day which started 2 or 3 years back. The girls in the office would go ooh and ahh over my flowers. It was nice attention, but the flowers will wilt and die. But I tried to complain less about the nature of death because every living thing dies anyway, it’s just a matter of time. 

But there’s something about the gesture of the sender sending me flowers. It’s still something which I could not fathom. I am still as frustrated as I was before this. Did I ask for the moon? If flowers could symbolize loyal love, would florists be laughing all the way to the bank? 

My life live itself before me, I stay stagnant in my thoughts though I know I am moving, but I don’t know where. I kept asking for patience, how much is enough? I kept hearing people say, I don’t have the time, so when will be a good time or no time is a good time? 

How do you move on with legs planted in wet cement? Where do you carry the little pieces of broken heart to mend? I shudder days of darkness, I have had enough of lonely nights crying away like a deranged woman. 

I didn’t quite doubt my intelligence and wit though I know I am not the sharpest knife in the drawer. But even that could not save my life you see. I didn’t have the looks of Beauty to begin with, but is that a major stumbling block to be happy with myself or with someone else? I know I am funny and crack hilarious jokes on no-corny-jokes day. But it’s not everyone’s cup of tea. I pride myself being an acquired taste on some days, but soon found that with age, not many would give two hoots about my specialty anymore.

I just absolutely hate being alone, more so at this age. But there’s no single person who could devote himself or herself to me exclusively, but me. But I am refusing to enjoy the company of me. Why must my life be so complicated or continue to complicate itself?