lips of an angel

As I listened to Amigos Para Siempre by Sarah Brightman & José Carreras, I could not help but feel an overwhelming rush of melancholy all over me. There seemed to be so much yet so little going on in my life right now. My emotional and physical seemed to be out of place. Perhaps the deafening silence is beginning to take its toll on me, finally.

For a starter, I was not able to join my girl friends for Pinky’s hen night Though it was not exactly a painstaking effort to plan the hen night to be at Palate Pallete smacked in the heart of town, but I could not help but felt a little slighted to find out that in the end, they didn’t end up there but had decided to meet at a more familiar spot instead. Well, I guess I should not overanalyze. So long as everyone enjoyed themselves, the location didn’t matter that much anymore I suppose. I could not be there myself, I should reserve my comments on the incidents that took turns that night that led to the change in venue.

We have been friends for approximately 15 years since high school. Back then, she was then one who used to lend me her spectacles as I slowly grow blur and blind to my surroundings. We were not particularly close but she had always been a sister who has always been there for me. Ironically, it was through the acquaintance I formed with one of her church friends that drew Pinky and me closer. I can discard that acquaintance now, but not Pinky. Our adolescent years continued in sixth form where we continue to ride the ups and downs of our individual life roller coasters. 

We saw each other through, and yet staying on the opposite end of the highway, we hardly meet in fact. This is the part where we are all guilty as charged - taking each other for granted. Most of the time, when I meet up with the other girl friends, Pinky would almost always be missing in action due to transport problems. But things eventually took a better turn when Pinky started to go behind the wheels of her family heirloom, the faithful Red Datsun. 

When the other girls adorned themselves like a walking fashion billboard or Christmas tree, Pinky proved otherwise. She was truly the epitome of thrift and simple, and yet she was the one who got the last laugh and laughs best. She could get away with a denim skirt and simple top, voila, you get the pretty Lady in Pink. Bordering on modesty, I would not say Pinky a God fearing person…but she is certainly closer to God than she thinks she is, if I may so. I have been to her house and her family members are the nice kind of neighbour that I’d love to have. 

I am glad everything thus far turned out very well for her. Bless her for all her prayers and thoughts. I am going to miss her a lot when she’s gone to the other side of the world. After the wedding next week, Pinky will pack up to join her lawfully wedded husband in East Malaysia. It’s all happening too soon that I am not sure if I’d be prepared to lose her just yet…and yet, what could I possibly offer her to stay as her future is not mine to meddle with? I guess if you really love someone, you ought to let them go seek their happiness.

There’s the friendship, the wedding, the departure…and the usual wedding jitters that I get almost without fail. Is one a lonely number? In the past, I’ve written a decent amount about feeling alone and isolated. And I’m fully aware that some of it is my choice. Because here’s the thing. If I decide to leave the house for a few blessed hours like I did on last Saturday (and I do every Saturday if I could help it), where do I go? There are no parties, no great shopping, or artsy movies. And worst of all, there are no friends or family.

There were days when I sit at a coffee shop or food court or fast food restaurant, ALONE, and write in my mind. How do you ever survive being single and lonely, or be in a long distance relationship where your other half is barely there when you need to be whole? I sometimes find myself laying in bed at night alone and feeling lonely. I’m frustrated and lonely and tired and tired of being frustrated and lonely and tired. Plus did I mention I’m lonely?

Sometimes I’ll be going about my busy life and stop and think, I’m getting older, so when is this “right person” going to enter the picture?”  How many more New Years do I have to celebrate and how many more years am I going to live with my parents, making new plans, making major life decisions and having to do it alone?   I feel like that future husband of mine has missed out on so much of my life that I’ve experienced, that he’s going to have a lot of catching up to do when he meets me…learning who I am, what I’ve been through, etc.  I just wish there was someone special cheering me on in life, contradicting myself, most of the time, the someone special need not necessarily be a male but a female.  I tell (or deceive?) myself that I’d be a much better person if I was married, because my husband would help me grow and keep me in line! The reality is, I’d probably drive my husband up the wall with my antics and flamboyance. Do you have any advice on how to endure this time in my life or maybe even enjoy it without feeling like I’m missing out on so much and letting the loneliness overwhelm me? 

Being single in this day and age takes a lot of fortitude.  Our society is so family-oriented and sometimes it seemed like they only cater to families.  It is very tough being single, & especially when you long to be married. But being married would be another chapter and paradigm all together…

Alas I realized that it’s my own life that I need to be running, and not wait and let someone else run my life for me. I am the de facto owner of my life…I just need to be stronger and get a tighter grip of myself, and perhaps get a new hobby