lips of an angel

I don’t what it will take to bring a smile back on my face. I know that I will never look at many things in the same way or light again. I only know that now my daily sleep is disrupted by palpitation or immense flow of thoughts that will suffocate me and cause me to have anxiety attack. I know I will be a different person after this…

As I continue to spiral, I don’t know how much deeper I need to fall before I hit rock bottom and perhaps then I will get to my senses. I am shutting out my friends…friends who felt helpless looking at me wasting away. Friends who were there for a mere while and then they continued with their lives as I continue to wander and drift aimlessly in my own world of ghastly and morbid thoughts.

I continue to miss out on our gatherings…I continue to be oblivious to what has been going on their lives. I am unable to relate to them anymore. I have nothing to share with them; I am just a skeleton of my former self. I don’t recognize myself anymore when I look in the mirror these days.

I feel like a dysfunctional person. Unable to eat, sleep or work. I sometimes feel angry that everyone is trouble free and have nice things to look forward or good things to laugh about, but what about ME? why am i different? just what f*cking sh*t did i do wrong to end up this way?

But deep down, I know everyone have her own problems, it’s just a choice whether to cry or laugh about it.

I am angry and frustrated at everything and everyone. I am angry that I continue to wake up each day and was not taken away in my sleep. I am frustrated that today is always worse than yesterday. So much so, sometimes I stay awake overnight in the hope that if I don’t sleep, then I won’t need to wake up feeling worse than yesterday. But it’s of no use, I soon found out whether I sleep or not, eat or not, work or not, the feeling within will only continue to worsen.

I have developed this (ir)rational thought that perhaps if I don’t sleep, then things will remain status quo. I think I am still in a deep shock, it seemed surreal to be weeping here as I was supposed to be in Melbourne by now. I could no longer reconcile my living present and past. I am delirious.

I remember looking forward to this point in time many months ago. And yet when I finally reached this point in time, the feeling was totally different. It is bleak and dark…filled with sadness and sorrow. It was nothing like what I had imagined it to be. I continue to ask, what reality is this? My own doings? Or some cruel joke of my life?

Some days I seemed so fine that it didn’t cross my mind that a truck just hit me. Other days I continue to spiral and fall without knowing when all these will stop. The pain on my chest cause buckets of tears to flow, the pain was so immense that I don’t even begin to know how to describe it.

Could there be no other ways to erase the memories and let go without having to go through all these pain? It pains me so much that I don’t even want to continue living in such hell. Will seeking professional help change or make things better?

I feel so alone…so empty and hollow. I am so afraid to move on and leave everything behind. It’s funny…I don’t want to be in this state, yet I am afraid to leave this current state.

I was waiting for the train today and it came as no surprise that the train station was packed with people. All of us were queuing and waiting with one purpose: to get pass the ticket gate and make our way to the platform. It had poured cows and elephants hours ago, naturally when it rains, everything will turn into havoc in our motherland.

As a lame form of way to manage the crowd from bursting to the brim at the platform, the train station management have to deactivate the ticket gates. Did we intentionally downgrade our infrastructure because of poor planning or lack of foresight of the nation’s transportation upgrade needs?

So there I was with a friend, confused by the multiple lines formed which eventually lead to one ticket gate. Clearly, we were uniformly disorganized. Illegal lines started to snake and branch out from the empty spaces available from the existing multiple lines. My friend and I chatted for a little more before the crowd started to make a mad dash when the ticket gate eventually started functioning again.

From where I was standing, I had somehow joined another line parallel from my friend. However, both our lines will eventually merge at the ticket gate. There was a lady behind my friend, who to my impression, was not too happy that I will soon cut her queue. Don’t ask me why, but from the corner of my eyes, I could feel that she was staring at me. Actually I doubt that she felt one kind about me. It’s just that I felt self conscious because I eventually I would need to get past her or be pushed out of the line, so my little mind started to conjure bad images of her. Talk about picking on other people to appease my guilt…sheesh.

As I had wanted to continue to stay close with my friend so that we can continue to chat, it became apparent to me that I have to get ahead of the lady behind my friend so that I can be behind my friend instead. While I was talking to my friend, I flashed my Touch N Go card. Suddenly the lady behind us pointed to the ticket gates on the left and told me I could use my Touch N Go card there. The ticket gates were visibly empty as there were hardly anyone tapping their Touch N Go card the other side.

However, more often than not, I have met countless rude people…hence when I first heard her speak, my initial reaction was a defensive one. I didn’t even finish listening to what she was saying or make sense of it just yet. But because of my guilt of having to cut her queue just to stay close to my friend, I had perceived her to be upset of me there at the train station. So when she spoke, all I could think of what this woman surely has something nasty to tell me. Alas, it turned out that I was wrong! So sorely wrong! She’s in fact a little angel sent from heaven, a good Samaritan!

Thanks to her advise and sharp observation, and when I finally got over my defensive mode after a few seconds, I beckoned my friend to move over to the other side of the station where the tickets gates were still not crashed by unknowing passengers. In the haste of the moment, I was not sure if I had thanked her. And oh golly, I hoped I didn’t roll my eyes at her, the oh-so-annoying habit of mine. Perhaps my head was still in my cloud of arrogance so I didn’t come to my senses quick enough to express my gratitude instead of self inflicted resentment. Such is the power of our mind and my little mind.

When we reached the platform, I revisited the whole incident with my friend and told her of the experience that we had just gone through. On hindsight, I should not have been so arrogant and haughty when she spoke to us…but I was reminded by previous poor experiences with strangers in public places and on top of my self guilt, it had made the whole situation worse.

I noticed that when people tell me something, often, my first reaction would be to turn defensive. I know it’s ridiculous, just like today’s experience. Instead of mindful listening, I had allowed myself to program a defensive reaction and selective listening. Upon reflecting with my friend at the train platform, I realized that yet again, I had been too late in arresting a bad behaviour with potential negative consequences before it happened. Time after time, I only reflect on my poor behaviour during post incident and not pre incident, hence I often failed to take the bull in me by its horn before charging. I lament that reactive actions only worsen a situation and that we should take proactive initiatives. Again, I am a walking contradiction who has failed to walk her talk yet again.

I’ve learned that there is little to point to reflect upon myself when the mirror is cracked. All I would see are a thousand and one images of my sorry self. Why didn’t I take a good look at my reflection when the mirror was in a good condition…

I have this fear that I am turning into a bitch that I abhor. Maybe this is the Law of Attraction. Oh gosh, grow up Jen, you have to!

I have left the comfort of updating my whine log for the longest time, so much so that there is a tinge of sadness that so much has happened, yet they were not captured for memory sake. Back in my bean counting days, I used to actively update my blog whenever something or someone bothered me at work. Some days I would pen down pensive thoughts that occurred during my drive to and fro work.

When I read my old postings, I noticed an eerie trend. I have been perpetually a sour or bitter person. The mood setting in most of my postings have always been negative or depressing ones. And I wonder why I never really attracted anyone, why would you want to be with a lemon or bitter gourd? 

I would love to blog about my deepest darkest thoughts and feelings now, but the stakes are too high. People whom I know may end up reading an emotional piece and that might send out crossed or wrong signals. Often I have suicidal thoughts and tendencies when faced with difficulties in life, this I admit.

By merely saying difficulties in life, that is only the tip of the iceberg. I have not penned down my entire life story here just yet for anyone to make sense of my self destructing tendencies. But now, I am hanging by the cliff, on the verge of losing a precious thing so close to my heart as a result of my own wrongdoings. 

Yet, I am not sure if I will have a chance to redeem myself. No matter what I say or do, I cannot turn back time. The wheel of life can so cruel at times…

It’s been almost one year since I left my previous job. One can never be too sure if it was a wise move. Or was it otherwise? On hindsight, I realized that I have learnt leaps and bounds in my job. There were a lot of opportunities back then and I was fortunate to have met supportive managers who mentored and coached me at work. 

However, at the same, due to the ego in me, I have offended a lot of people in the course of getting work done. I remember being very conscientious about my temper flaws and would always make amends by assuring myself that it’s all about the work and nothing personal.

My auditors have suffered my wrath when I refused to co-operate, simply because I don’t see eye to eye with them on their requests. Due to conflict of interest, most days I would find their requests absurd. Looking back, I should have contained myself and be a more co-operative client to them in order to get the work done and nothing personal. Talk about walking the talk…I am such an oxymoron!

Yet, today, when we no longer work with each other, they still remained friends with me. Recently, I posted a rather emotional status update in Facebook. To my surprise, I received a private message from one of my former auditors, containing very kind words. 

In all my years of living, though I kept saying I am living it for other people, the truth is I have always been too full of myself. Just because I had a deprived childhood, today, as I grow older, I cannot help but subconsciously feel that the world owed me a positive living. Yet, I was the oxymoron that coined the idea of no one owes you a living, it is up to you to make a living for yourself.

I must have had gone overboard with cappuccino today that my tummy is suffering right now. Feels like someone or something is having a game of soccer in my tummy now. Maybe it’s the effect of lactose intolerant. Who knew? I only know that I have stopped taking milk from a very young age and possibly have Milo running through my blood vein now. 

Today felt like a nerve wrecking day. My heart is palpitating and I dislike the feeling of having something hit rapidly against my chest. I am anxious for some reason unknown to me, or maybe I do know the cause. Perhaps the lethal combination of caffeine and milk in the cappuccino is the phantom menace behind my discomfort. 

My mind was partially occupied today. The rest of it just wandered elsewhere. I have been catching up a lot on fashion blogs written by real people staying in the other parts of the world. Some are entertaining while some have guts I can only envy and not emulate. 

Meanwhile, back in my room, the roses continued to wilt and begin to die while the lilies are showing signs that they will soon follow suit. Oh well, natural cause of death is a disaster you cannot prevent I guess. Last year, I inserted some Panadol into the water to keep the flowers. Someone told me that the effect of paracetamol could somewhat “prolong” the lifespan of the flowers. Alas, all the flowers suffered from premature death. Must be a shocking death for the poor flowers to be “fed” with paracetamol. 

This year, I have decided to apply some science knowledge to extend the lifespan of my flowers by inserting some sugar into the water. The flowers wilted and began to show signs of death anyway. The lilies are beginning to turn brown on the edge of the white petals. The roses looked droopy from their stems. What a sorry sight

It’s just Monday…sometimes time crawls when you least like it.

Year after year, you’ll continue to receive wedding cards and invitations. If you bothered, you’ll put in some effort to find something nice to wear and dress up for the occasion. But if you’re a big time slacker and procrastinator like me who would rather surf online aimlessly than to drag my derriere out to the boutiques and shopping malls to spend some money to get a dress, then most likely you’ll agree with me on the 3R principle - Reduce, Reuse, Recycle.

It might come to a certain point when you’re getting ready and dressing up for the couple’s big day that you might just drop everything and sink your bottom onto the bed, pondering when is your turn to get married. Life has its set of harsh realities sometimes. Not everyone will grow up being attached, not everyone will eventually get married, lest meet the man or woman of ideal. 

Honestly, I find the loneliness of being a single disturbing at times. There were days when I gasped and joked that I would eventually be found dead in my old age by my pet dog, which will probably be feeding on my dead body due to days of starvation once the old lady passed on. The lame joke was funny then and on some days, but today it wasn’t. 

A relationship is like forbidden fruit. Our mind conjure fair tale endings and we all crossed our fingers that we will live happily ever after. Is paradise this close to earth? 

I continue to receive my bouquet of roses and lilies on Valentine’s Day which started 2 or 3 years back. The girls in the office would go ooh and ahh over my flowers. It was nice attention, but the flowers will wilt and die. But I tried to complain less about the nature of death because every living thing dies anyway, it’s just a matter of time. 

But there’s something about the gesture of the sender sending me flowers. It’s still something which I could not fathom. I am still as frustrated as I was before this. Did I ask for the moon? If flowers could symbolize loyal love, would florists be laughing all the way to the bank? 

My life live itself before me, I stay stagnant in my thoughts though I know I am moving, but I don’t know where. I kept asking for patience, how much is enough? I kept hearing people say, I don’t have the time, so when will be a good time or no time is a good time? 

How do you move on with legs planted in wet cement? Where do you carry the little pieces of broken heart to mend? I shudder days of darkness, I have had enough of lonely nights crying away like a deranged woman. 

I didn’t quite doubt my intelligence and wit though I know I am not the sharpest knife in the drawer. But even that could not save my life you see. I didn’t have the looks of Beauty to begin with, but is that a major stumbling block to be happy with myself or with someone else? I know I am funny and crack hilarious jokes on no-corny-jokes day. But it’s not everyone’s cup of tea. I pride myself being an acquired taste on some days, but soon found that with age, not many would give two hoots about my specialty anymore.

I just absolutely hate being alone, more so at this age. But there’s no single person who could devote himself or herself to me exclusively, but me. But I am refusing to enjoy the company of me. Why must my life be so complicated or continue to complicate itself?

I have met up with a lot of friends lately, most of our friendship date back to high school days. At least I am glad I made some sound “friendship investment” back then and today, could live with lesser regret for being an antisocial person in those days. 

While we seem to pass the remark that we don’t feel any different than our old selves, but the truth is, a lot has taken place and caused changes in us, subtly or not. 

For instance, some of us now invest in branded cosmetics, skincare, clothing and jewelry. These are all part of our Maslow’s hierarchy needs actually.

I feel very alive after meeting people whom I am close to and familiar with simply because we came from almost the same background and today, these friends have made wonders out of their lives…which probably means that I could do the same too to my life.

My split personality or bi-polarity, whichever that makes more sense or relevance to you, can be very extreme. Sometimes I am an introvert, sometimes an extrovert. But I generally like to be in the company of people because I dread loneliness.

I have not really learnt to pamper myself or do anything more than my own laundry at home. But I feel good seeing my friends go for rock climbing, diving, vacation, getting married, having kids, buying houses, going for spa and manicure and pedicure etc. perhaps this is the life that I have been missing all the while…hence I always lament about sorry and pitiful state.

 Friends are good, cherish them!

Waking up to 2009 certainly didn’t feel any different from waking up to 2008. As a friend put it aptly, “Year end, beginning -so what? Those are just labels-the sun still rises and sets like any other day”. 

I agree with that actually, come to think of it now. Then I quipped that the hype of New Year and year end is almost like the commercialized Valentine’s Day overkill. But eventually I admitted that despite this actualization, there will still be suckers like me who will buy the New Year and year end idea. In fact I have come to develop my own theory that if I do not end my current year on a good note, I almost certainly will not begin my following year on a good foot. Sigh, sometimes I can be such a philosophical fool who think out aloud. 

I cannot remember if I did the same last year, but this year, I have decided to browse through the calendar for public holidays and major occasions. Ha, that is something to look forward to I bet. 

To begin on a narcissist note, my birthday will fall on a Friday this year. I suppose I don’t have much preference on the day my birthday should fall on, but it’ll be great if my birthday falls on a public holiday. But no such luck. Anyhow, as long as it doesn’t fall on a Monday, I guess I am fine with it. 

On a chronological overview, Chinese New Year will fall on 26^th and 27^th of January, Monday and Tuesday respectively. Essentially, those who are working only need to apply for 3 days of annual leaves in order to enjoy a week long of festivity goodness. For the ones from other states who are working outside their hometown, they can actually plan to return home for the festivity as early as 23^rd January which falls on a Friday. If you have quite a number of carried forward annual leaves from 2008, you may even opt to take 23^rd January off. Good news for KL urbanites as 1^st February is Federal Territory Day for them, the same goes for those in Putrajaya and Labuan. As a result, there will be replacement holiday on 2^nd February which falls on a Monday since 1^st February falls on a Sunday. Don’t you just love weekend public holidays?

8^th of February is Thaipusam day and it falls on a Sunday. Traditionally, only Johor, Negeri Sembilan, Perak, Penang and Selangor are entitled to this holiday, but I recall it was a public holiday for Kuala Lumpur in 2008. Let’s hope for the best. Then we will all get 9^th of February, a Monday as our replacement holiday for the ones working in Kuala Lumpur. Valentine’s Day will fall on a Saturday this year with Friday the 13^th occurring just one day before. 

9^th of March is Maulidur Rasul or Prophet Muhammad’s birthday. So everyone gets a Monday off from work. Just an interesting observation to add, February and March 2009 will share the same dates for the days. For example, 1^st of February and 1^st of March both falls on a Monday. That means the remaining days of both these months will share the same dates. If you had a bad Friday the 13^th in February, brace yourself for another Friday the 13^th one month after, which is in March. If it doesn’t get any better, fret not as you will only have to endure another Friday the 13^th in November. Not too bad for Friday the 13^th statistics, occurring twice in 2 consecutive months in the 1^st quarter, followed by the last and final one in the 3^rd quarter. 

April is a drought month devoid of any public holidays. May Day falls on a Friday which is 1^st of May of course. Isn’t it just your luck to have another public holiday on a Friday? 9^th of May is Wesak Day and without fail, Wesak Day has always been declared on a Saturday, so no luck for you guys to skip off unless you work on Saturdays as well. 

6^th of June, also a Saturday is the Yang Dipertuan Agong’s birthday, again, no luck to stay away from work. July is another month devoid of any public holiday mercy…so you work 22 days straight with weekends in between of course. 

31^st of August provides some solace like the month of May. Independence Day is celebrated on a Monday this time; again, this could stretch your weekend longer and evict a potential Monday blue brewing. Have you ever wondered that the work week becomes somewhat shorter when you begin your work week on a Tuesday instead of Monday?

September will be the month to watch out for the celebration of Hari Raya Aidilfitri. Tentatively, the dates are set for 20^th and 21^st of September. They are both Sunday and Monday respectively, which ideally means that you will get Tuesday as a replacement holiday since the first day of Hari Raya Aidilfitri falls on a Sunday.

Come October, 17^th of October has been set for Deepavali. However, there seem to be a discrepancy between Malaysia’s and Singapore’s Deepavali date. In Malaysia, it falls on the 17^th of October, while in Singapore, it falls on the 15^th of November. At the time of blogging, I am not sure of the discrepancy but I guess it’s too early to tell now. Besides, that is like in the 3^rd quarter of the year… 

Hari Raya Haji is set to fall on 27^th of November, another Friday. This date is still a tentative one I believe. 18^th of December has been declared Awal Muharram while 25^th of December remains the day we all know as Christmas day. New Year’s eve will fall on a Friday, no luck for bonus public holidays for New Year’s day. 

So far the best Christmas and New Year’s day holiday stretch would be the one in 2008 because we also have Awal Muharram celebrated on 29^th of December, a Monday. So the last week of the year was a short working week for everyone. 

I know it’s too soon and too early to look into the calendars and marking the holidays. But I always like to be in the know…at least I can estimate a better holiday plan or take advantage to book my holidays earlier.

In hours and minutes to come, 2008 will make its departure as we usher 2009 with smiles and a big bang. I thought I’d do a quick reflection on the year that had been and was… 

I was just telling a friend over lunch today that it’s not easy that I crossed 2008 somewhat successfully, only to have another brand new year to start all over again today. 2008 was not a year that I have lived in vain and yet it was not exactly a fabulous year for me either. 

During this year, I saw some wilt while the rest blossom in their relationships. In the emotion development, it was certainly a year filled with smiles and laughter and yet frowns and cries were not exactly a distance away. But it was through these ups and downs in life that saw my friendship grew stronger. It made me realized that even though I always have friends who will be there for me when I falter, there will come a day and time when it is their turn to waver. Hence the saying that’s what friends are for…

But I guess I didn’t really start 2008 with a list of resolutions, musts and to dos, so when the year finally ended and I lament that I have not achieved much or have little to shout about, that is really wrong. I even forgot when was the last time I actually sit down and reflect on my life and attempt to begin the following year on a better note. I only remember year after year, often I blame the poor ending of my current year that hampered the good beginning of the following year. In my memory, I would only define a good ending of my current year with a long vacation starting from Christmas all the way until New Year’s day. And that’s exactly what I have not been doing as my profession didn’t make it possible for me to go on a long break. But I held no resentment because if I could not change the situation (me unable to go on long leave for the year end vacation), I can only change myself which is something totally in my control. 

I guessed I just lose and forgot the plot. I just keep blaming everything and everyone around me for causing my unhappiness…but the truth is, it could be possible that on certain days, some people piss me off big time but it could not possibly be almost everyone around me on every other day or occasion. 

Somehow there’s just this unexplainable emptiness in me come year end. Or practically every other day of the year just to be fair. But I reckoned the melancholic effect is magnified several times particularly around year end. I wonder if I will ever be happy? 

Assuming if I am being shipped off in a cruise now…will I leave behind all the miseries that I ever owned and move on without my emotional baggage? The truth is, I am very afraid to move on with this life alone because life is such that when you least expect it, it will throw you off the tangent…then you’d be left on your own picking up the shattered pieces of your life. Sigh…

I want to be a different person when I wake up tomorrow…

I am not really a bookworm or book wh*re. Not sure why these days people must associate every d*mn thing they do with the word “wh*re”, even camwh*re as well, but I am going to try to assimilate with the crowd anyways, b*tch is the new black?). This year saw me putting on my reading cap because I already wear glasses, so no point in reiterating putting on my reading glasses because I am not presbyopic yet. 

But anyhow, I am counting my lucky stars because two of my best friends are both good book sources and lenders as well. Am I fortunate or just living off their investment? Hmm…neither, I think it’s the friendship.

Among the few books that I have read in the past two years, one of them was Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, published in May 1992 is a book by John Gray offering relationship advise especially on the communication aspect. It provides an insight on how men and women differ when they communicate, basically everything that we already knew but John Gray was smart enough to compile the obvious into a book. Subsequently, I suspect John Gray must have laughed all the way to the bank. 

I thought this book was a good reading material for everyone and not just limited to couples in a relationship. Whether or not the relationship climate is warm or cool, this book is worth the investment. Even if you’re not in a relationship, this book provides an interesting insight on the way the opposite sex behaves. This path could eventually lead you to better understand why your mother nags so much while your father watches the sports channel with the broken record playing in the background.

The gist of the book relies heavily on relationship basis, but I reckoned the learning lessons in the book could be used to maneuver your daily interaction with the opposite sex, right down to why male bosses are less uptight that female bosses! The learning points in this book might be magnified a few times if you’re communicating with your better (hopefully not bitter) half. 

The Time Traveler’s Wife is a 2003 novel by Audrey Niffenegger. This book is captivating and can potentially be confusing as well. Either you read it one shot or you have a good memory of the storyline like yours truly. Ha! Strangely I have always thought that it’s almost impossible to make a movie out of this book, but I ran a search on Google and found out that The Time Traveler’s Wife film is currently in production.the filming began in September 2007 and is directed by Robert Schwentke, starring Rachel McAdams as Clare Abshire and Eric Bana as Henry DeTamble. 

Then I recall seeing my sister reading P.S. I Love You…so I got her to borrow the book from her friend so that I can read it. P.S. I Love You is Irish writer Cecelia Ahern’s first novel, published in 2004. In 2007, P.S. I Love You was made into an American romantic comedy directed by Richard LaGravenese, starring Hilary Swank as Holly Kennedy and Gerard Butler as Gerry Kennedy. I have not watched the movie yet but it’s a good thing I have read the book for a first hand account of the storyline. You know how sometimes the movie twists the storyline compared to the book and soon the movie just lose the plot? 

Okay, you’re probably thinking I am a cheapskate by now since I owned neither of these fantastic reads. Well, it depends on how one perceives and views the situation. For one, I am not the kind who invests in books, fiction or non-fiction though I admit I did want to rush out to grab a copy of The Time Traveler’s Wife once I finished reading it. That book was awesome! I have mixed feelings about the movie though, but we’ll see…